Anxiety, stress and SSRI's

[djkvan]

I have been given a prescription for citalopram. It's a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor. I don't like the idea of taking drugs, but I have had too much stress in my life overall. Now without alcohol (one year on Sunday) and cigarettes (20 months) to medicate myself, my anxiety is apparent and continues to have negative effects on my life. It has always interfered with my ability to take healthy risks and emotionally attach to others. I have had several experiences in life which have created less poor baseline chemistry in my brain (specifically the amygdala, I believe). I was given up for adoption at ten days of age, so the maternal bond was severed. My adoptive parents divorced when I was two and a half, and I would only see my father on Saturday afternoons after that point and never hear from him during the week; so the paternal relationship was crippled at a bad time in my psychosocial development. Around this time doctors noted that I was displaying symptoms of ADD and severe hyperactivity which would manifest as severe anxiety and antisocial behaviours in social situations. I experienced social bullying from age 10 to 17, so my poor social development continued there. Ever since I can remember, I have never really been able to relax enough to develop emotional attachments and I have difficulty trusting people. I feel that I am struggling in almost all areas of psychosocial development. I value the physical health that Wai will bless me with, but I am doubtful that it will change the basic social/emotional programming in my brain. My anxiety has led to isolation, which is unhealthy in the long term, no matter how healthfully I eat. I am at a point in my life where I wish to work on the deeper emotional/social problems I have experienced and am hoping that this drug will help to set the stage mentally for some positive changes to occur. Has anyone had any experience with this type of drug? I am keying on the fact that Wai can fix things only to a point, and am guessing that this is not one of those points that the diet can successfully address.

[panacea]

Please take what I'm about to say very seriously. I know exactly what you're feeling and where you're coming from. I have a very similar past, I was put on prescriptions by various psychiatrists all through my childhood and some teenage years (until age 16). I'm 20 years old now, 4 years past my voluntarily severing my dependence on anxiety medication. My life has been rough up until now mostly from the fear inside my head and not because of any truly physical evils in my life. Being in a prison inside your mind is unlike anyone can relate to unless they have felt it, and I can tell you without a doubt that drugs can make that prison seem to go away for a while but it never completely does so long as you depend on them. And worse, they often have really bad side effects, create a constant risk, make you feel like you're not normal, and can be costly financially. Psychiatry in my opinion is a fraud, except in the areas where people are a danger to themselves or society, or are in unbearable pain. It's kind of like the medical profession, some medicines and therapies are needed, especially in severe cases, but mostly it's overused especially in the prescription drug arena. Psychological drugs are no different, the best they can do is act as a nuclear weapon clearing things out and providing a perfect vulnerable breeding ground for a wider range of problems to develop.

If you really want to emotionally stabilize yourself, you'll have to take an approach to it even more radical than the idea of the Wai diet. I can't really tell you exactly what will work for you, but I'll tell you what works for me.

For the longest time I felt I wasn't normal, and battled for as long as I can remember to try and become 'normal', to myself and everyone else. That was the wrong perception to have, it can never be attained like that. So I accepted my uniqueness not as a flaw but as a gift, and now I mostly stay on the computer, isolated from most of society. Yet I have a girlfriend, go to college, and go shopping and do all the things I need or want to in society with no problem. I still get anxious talking to people, like at the grocery store, college (especially presenting), etc. But the more I do it, the easier it gets, and it will never be completely anxiety free, but I think it will get damn near close, and I certainly have gotten used to it. After every anxious encounter, I just laugh inside at myself and shrug it off, usually by reminding myself that it's just a part of me, and makes me who I am (and that makes me feel good because I'm glad I am who I am, you should be too).

Anyway, I watch movies, I pay attention to them, they teach me life lessons but most of all how society thinks, sometimes I think if aliens really wanted to understand us they'd have to watch our movies, all of them, and they'd have a pretty good idea. The actions in the movies aren't what gives us clues about ourselves but rather what the points are. A story about one innocent girl dying in war is a tragedy, because the movie lets us get to know her and feel bad for her, but we don't really pay much thought to the thousands who died that we don't have an association with. Movies tell us how society interprets the world and introverted people like me can understand society without actually being an average joe at the bar laughing telling stories to my date rapist friends. (dramatization).

Second thing I do is read quotes, I can't stand books they move too slowly, so I read quotes because they fill you up with great ideas to think about really fast. And a little insider secret, you feel safer in the world No. Matter. What. the more you really know. I'm not just talking about knowing how to disassemble a car, I'm talking about major ideas like how people act and why, how the universe all works together. Having a sense of all these things, not a true understanding but a sense, gives you peace and serenity at all times. I don't pretend to know a lot, if anything I just have a sense for a lot. I don't know how to disassemble a car and don't know a lot of trades, or how to make money well, or how to pick up a lot of girls, or even smart science stuff. But I have a sense for things like when people mean harm, or when they don't, and I could look at a bunch of convicted felons and not look down on them any more than I'd look down on the mayor, president, or average waiter. You just kind of get this sense that the universe ties everything together and it all makes sense even if you don't understand it, and only being 4 years into this routine I think in another 4 I'll probably be one of the happiest people on the planet, and I won't need a new Ferrari every week, tons of strippers, or the pills House pops to feel that way.

So, in all, movies, TV shows, quotes, forums, facebook, chatrooms, phonecalls, interacting some in the real world, thinking about things all the damn time in your head a little bit more than the average person does, and looking at nature and thinking about the universe in general will cure you of every fear you can imagine better than any drug. It's a way of life, just like the wai diet is, except it's for the emotional side of us. As humans we adapt to feel things according to what our way of life is, you and I have both had a way of life that has spawned anxiety, fear, and sadness in us, and the answer to change all that is create a new way of life.

And one little thing I'll leave you to start off with to think about, which is really one of the most important things I've come to understand by constantly questioning things, is that people, even the ones like your father, mother, adoptive parents, or anyone else that's important to you or isn't, aren't really as important or mysterious as people like you and I make them seem, they really don't know what's going on anymore than a toddler in the grand scheme of things, and therefore aren't really that different than pigs, sheep, monkeys, and any other form of life when you come to get to know them.

I constantly have to tell myself after I feel anxious that people are just animals (I'm not religious AT ALL, but one of my favorite quotes is from the bible, atleast I think it is, and it goes 'blame them not, for they know not what they do'. I dont really care if that's exactly how it goes, it's still true to me in many different ways 'fear them not, for they know not what they do' or 'hate them not, for they know not what they do'. Really it doesn't matter, the point is that people aren't intrinsically evil, heroic, disgusting, or sexy, they're just doing the best they can.), and after the number of years I tell myself that exceeds the number of years I told myself that they were a threat to me or could hurt me or had power over me, I'll probably be as easygoing in society as anyone else.

I know I really didn't address 'stress', but it goes hand in hand with the anxiety.

[panacea]

I forgot to mention that movies are cheaper than prescriptions because I use torrents

Promise I'll buy them when I become a millionaire though.

[djkvan]

Thank you for sharing your experiences with me, panacea.

I believe that what was diagnosed as attention deficit with severe hyperactivity in my case was in fact a missed diagnosis of an attachment disorder that presents with symptoms (mental and physical) of anxiety and inattentiveness.

some medicines and therapies are needed, especially in severe cases

Mine is a severe attachment disorder. I have been unable to form emotional bonds in my life

For the longest time I felt I wasn't normal, and battled for as long as I can remember to try and become 'normal', to myself and everyone else

I fully acknowledge that normalcy if a fallacy, but I know that something is wrong. I have always had that sense of wrongness. I have forever been searching for the thing that would help me to relax, help me to feel.

I...

do all the things I need or want to in society with no problem

Same here, but it is all done against an unnecessary background of anxiety.

After every anxious encounter, I just laugh inside at myself and shrug it off

It's not funny to me. Never will be.

...

by reminding myself that it's just a part of me, and makes me who I am

Anxiety is not a personality trait. It doesn't make me. It unmakes me. It stops me. From feeling. From remembering. From doing. From living. It is a dis-ease state of the mind. It is unnecessary and far less than optimal. Life isn't perfect, nor does it have to be, but this? No way Jose!

I watch movies, I pay attention to them, they teach me life lessons

I want life to teach me about life. I have watched enough tv. It has provided me with a sense of connection that I cannot get through social interaction. My anxiety has caused me to intellectualize life rather than being a "feeling" active participant. No offense, but it seems to me that you do the same.

Second thing I do is read quotes, I can't stand books they move too slowly

Anxiety affects the brain's reward center. Because there is a persistent state of mental "pain" there must be mental (and chemical) rewards that balance
things out. Everyone's mind needs rewards, the diseased mind just requires them more often and quicker. This is what lies beneath attention deficit, hyperactivity, and anxiety.

you feel safer in the world No. Matter. What. the more you really know

Safer, but not safe. Anxiety creates a state of hyper-vigilance that causes one to attend to the blacks and whites of social cues (i.e. safe, not safe) at the expense of the colors - feelings, attachment, appreciation of others traits, fond memories - while retreating into the safe confines of logic and intellect (how vulcan) (e.g "we're really just all animals when it comes down to it"). The bottom line is that I never truly feel safe, trusting, secure and attached. I am able to have normal conversations and use mindfulness (i.e. breathing, REBT) to combat conscious anxiety in social situations. This allows me to imitate social behaviour, but when it comes time just let go and be myself or begin to bond, my unconscious anxiety takes over, my mind freezes, and I begin to withdraw. Because of this I dissociate in social situations and have very poor recall of my life. Because my anxiety puts my mind (and body) into a state of flight (fight or flight response),my amygdala, which processes memory and emotions, is impaired. The psychological damage that occured during my infancy and toddlerhood is unconscious damage which I am unable to communicate with as an adult. This has to do with neuro-emotional networks that have become intertwined with survival responses. These impulses are very strong and beyond conscious control. The idea behind the SSRI is that it addresses the unconscious anxiety, which allows the person to relax enough to begin to form secure, emotional attachments. When enough progress has been made and sufficient new emotional pathways have formed in the brain to allow for natural, healthy attachment to continue unassisted, one can be tapered from the meds.

you and I have both had a way of life that has spawned anxiety, fear, and sadness in us, and the answer to change all that is create a new way of life.

There is nothing new under the sun. Even the most shut-in of shut-ins must attached to something. Evidence suggests that our primary, instinctive drive is that of belonging. Your story reads as if I wrote it, panacea, although you seem a good deal smarter that I was at your age. I am just about 40, and have yet to create a new way of life. Hell I have barely created a life. I survive. I keep moving on. I change jobs, towns, friends. It never ends. I keep tearing my life apart so that I can rebuild it. It keeps me busy and distracts me from my real issues. Eventually I'm right back to where I started, however. No matter where I go, all you find is myself. I can keep changing my life and distracting myself until someone's shoveling dirt onto me if I so choose. It's not going to change the anxiety, the sense that my life is passing me by, the feeling that I am alone and powerless. I am generally content. I appreciate nature and beauty and ideas just like you. In fact I am as content as one could be in solitude, I imagine.

Have you seen this? http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/jerem ... ation.html

I constantly have to tell myself after I feel anxious that people are just animals

How would you feel (first reaction) if someone told you that you are just an animal? I don't intend to attack you, I just want you to think about that statement. People are so much more than that, but for those of us who are emotionally frozen, such mind games help to deflect the pain arising from the lack of emotional attachment. Eventually even Frankenstein's monster couldn't take the pain of detachment. Wonderful story that helps to illustrate the effects of socialization - "Victor's abandonment of the monster leaves the monster confused, angry and afraid" (wiki); and how we can often blame our parents for our current state of affairs.

I can't feel thoughts and I can't think feelings. Thoughts must be thought, feelings must be felt. My anxiety has been there almost since the beginning of my universe (ten days old), but before that there was attachment. Part of me remembers the attachment, and it is that memory - of attachment, of security, of love - that creates the anxiety which threatens to ruin my life. The anxiety is a response to an intensely felt unmet need. I can rationalize and intellectualize all I please, but nothing, short of turning my back on the world, will change this fact.

If you really want to emotionally stabilize yourself, you'll have to take an approach to it even more radical than the idea of the Wai diet

Man created SSRI's as well as movies. Some would argue that tv and movies are dangerous, but for us, they have been a key to social connection. I can feel the release of happy drugs in my brain when I am watching a movie or a tv show. I truly relax. I can't feel the release of happy drugs when I am around people. Why? Anxiety. Unfortunately, because of the anxiety I can only afford to attach to the characters that tv allows me to know one and two hours at a time. Actual attachment takes much longer, and the anxious brain feels too poorly to wait that long to feel good. Unfortunately, tv further impairs the brain's reward center as it reinforces the need for immediate gratification.

I am on the fence about the drugs, but I now know what my issues are. I will talk to my alcohol counselor about further options, but I believe I am on the right track. Long term anxiety is physically and mentally deleterious, so I have to do something. By my logic I am doing the only thing that can be done. I've heard say that the only way out is through. For me the wall of anxiety is so high and the emotions are so intense behind that wall that they need to be dealt with in a safe manner before it can be brought down. I may have found my answer.

[djkvan]

I don't live in actual solitude, just emotional. There are people in my life friends, family, etc. and I value them, but there is an emotional disconnect. Also I value myself and the way I see the world. Just sayin's all

[panacea]

Everyone has unique problems djkvan, the universe has no perfect heaven for anyone while living, some people lose their legs some people lose part of their minds but you have to learn to adapt like I did. drugs are not the answer unless you're already too far gone and unless you feel that that problem could make you go out and murder someone or make you commit suicide or some kind of criminal act then you still have a shot without drugs.

Truth is if someone told me I was an animal I would take it in the negative meaning because anyone would, but if they explained that the idea wasn't a hostile one but rather a simple truth (no scientist will argue we aren't animals) then there is no violence or hatred that I feel because of it. The one truth I live by that makes everything else make sense is that we are just like everything else in the universe, from rocks, planets, bees, chickens, trees, insects, etc, in the sense that we behave according to physical laws, and our minds are just the manifestation of physical elements. This is proven by the fact that we can't visualize the 200th dimension in our brains, because we don't have the physical equipment neccessary, just like we don't have the physical equipment necessary to learn languages at the speed of light. We do it slower, yet faster than any other animal on earth. Just because we do it faster does not mean we are above the physical behavior of the universe. In this sense we have no control over our fate just a perceived feeling of control like we feel love or hunger. In that sense the fastest way to become peaceful no matter the mental disorder is to understand that everything has a place, reason, and rational consequence. Your invisible mental enemy will become a part of you and no longer an invincible enemy and when you understand it then the fear and loathing goes away. Kind of like, think if you were a person who tortured innocent people for a living for the US government in foreign countries. Lets say you did it for 60 years, and saw everything there is to see. Then one day an agent broke in your home and tortured you. You wouldn't be as afraid or in pain as the average joe because you have knowledge of it. You could definitely cope with the aftermath if you survived a lot better than the average joe, because you have an understanding of even that chaotic and violently cruel act. It's an extreme example but the only real defense to evils like that is to realize their true nature isn't evil or good but it just is, and there are ways to counteract the consequences. Just like when the sun finally has a solar flare big enough to scorch the earth or a meteor hits the earth wiping every living thing out, it's evil to us, but to the universe it's not, and some piece of sophisticated alien technology could probably stop both things, but if you don't have it your only hope for happiness is to accept it. We don't have a real cure for anxiety other than to cope with it until it becomes insignificant, the same with every other mental disorder. If you had an external factor, like mercury poisoning, affecting your mentality, then yes there are solutions. As you are already on the optimal diet and I don't think you live by a nuclear plant or snort mercury, I think it's safe to say the best thing you can do is cope and let your body adapt and heal itself to give you the best possible form of life you can have. Then accept it and be happy even if its not as great as you think it should be. Even the celebs in ferraris have problems, and have to do this. Some of the insanely privileged start to question the meaning of life, whats to live for, because they have it all. No one is immune and this is the only way to fix every unique problem without the advanced technology of the future.

[djkvan]

From the greatest risk comes the greatest reward. With great mustache comes great responsibility. LOL!

Everyone has unique problems djkvan, the universe has no perfect heaven for anyone while living

I am aware of this. I don't want perfection, I merely want the best for myself. My life as it is could be far worse, but I am aware that I have problems and that solutions exist for these problems. As far as I know, Wai is not a solution to neuro-psychological behavioural issues. This isn't schizophrenia that I'm talking about. Any repairs that Wai may effect in my brain will not, as far as I know, stabilize the neurotransmitter activity in firmly established behavioural pathways.

you have to learn to adapt like I did

I don't have to do anything that you did. I am free to choose whatever path I like in this life.

I wouldn't rule out the possibility of suicide in the future. As for the celebs and the insanely privileged who "have it all", it sounds to me like you are talking about possessions. Wrong answer, IMO. You are still intellectualizing, panacea. I realize your mind is in the right place, but your heart seems to be missing from the equation. The American dream is dead and everyone else on the planet knows it. The 2 billion haves aren't as happy as the 4.5 billion have nots. My condition exists because of "have mentality". My mother was pregnant with me at fifteen, in an age when being pregnant and fifteen was shameful. She was however considerate enough not to have an abortion, obviously, or you and I wouldn't be having this back and forth. She gave me up for adoption because "have mentality" also creates "have not" thinking. She believed that she had not the tools or ability to raise a child at her age, or that a child would ruin her possibility of a future (the future is a "have thought" full of "have not" - have not "present") or her parents made her, or she feared what everyone would think, or all of the above. The bottom line is that she had all she needed to raise me. Love. By giving me up she robbed both of us of that feeling and destroyed my brain's ability to trust and bond. Loving adoptive parents could have restored that trust, but the fact that my adoptive father was kicked out at a period of time when I was re-establishing my trust and developing my will (2.5 years old), left me emotionally. Every other step after that in my youth is a blur of anger and struggle. I don't remember very much about growing up at all and even much of the time from twenty until now is foggy. I am coming out of the haze of all of that finally, but the one remaining hurdle is the one that I must clear in order to have any kind of life worth living. I don't give two shits about possessions. The only thing that matters (besides food and shelter from the elements which any old "animal" scrounge), that is truly real, is the bonds that we share with others and the memories that we create. All else is fool's stuffing. Any celeb who is securely attached and doesn't have a substance abuse problem knows that. I have done what I can, and will continue to do whatever I can to improve my life. Wai can only go so far. I am giving the diet time, but if my serotonin system isn't getting any better I could give two shits if I have a Wai healthy body to parade around in. Sarx be damned. That's not what this life is about to me. We are beings of mind, body, and spirit, but to me the flesh is merely an extension of the spirit. Without the ability to attach to others and feel love, that spirit cannot thrive, because it means that I cannot attach to and love myself and therefore lack a sense of self. It's like not existing at all. As far as your coping strategies go, I appreciate the advice, but I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

[panacea]

Neurotransmitter activity and balance is beyond anyones comprehension. All of the brain scans or therapy in the world can not estimate what you need. It is a total guess, the only real thing they can tell you is that you have a lack of this or that at the time that they see you. These are not like bones, they don't stay the same for a long time, they are constantly in a state of change, changing in accordance to whats happening inside your body and outside stimuli. If you wish to keep pretending that they know what they're doing in that area go ahead. I'm trying to help you, I've been on these drugs and they are for profit, they have absolutely no better chance of curing you than placebo, and they create unnecessary risk. Furthermore if you choose to depend on medications, you will eventually have to take more and more as your body develops a dependence.

Adapting is a constant thing in everyday life, everyone does it, some do it better and faster. I think you're under the impression that it was a hostile threat to your belief system or something, it wasn't.

I'm trying to be as nice as I can but no matter how much younger I am than you or how much more you know you apparently don't know what these medications and psychotherapy field is all about - I've lived it, it was all I knew for a long time, and it's as much a fraud as a cancer patient on chemotherapy. They have absolutely no idea how to compete with the intricate workings of your body and especially not your even more complex brain.

[panacea]

I just wanted to mention that I've gotten to know a great many people that have dealt with this sort of thing, and I can honestly say I've never met one who found a long term solution through meds. I also have noted that all of them, not some, but all, that try meds for a long time end up going through different med after different med like their doctor is throwing blind darts that don't even work. They end up either losing tons of weight, putting on tons of weight, having mood fluctuations (sometimes dangerous and many end up in serious marital problems), etc etc. There really is no sancuatuary there I hope you don't have to find out for yourself. These companies are banking on the fact you'll get better by yourself and get to attribute it to their medicine, or mistake a good day as the medicine working, then on a bad day you just got the dosage wrong, etc. It drives people near insane.

Maybe my suggestion isn't what will work for you okay, maybe I was wrong about that sure but trust me pharmaceuticals aren't a good idea. I know you want to believe it's a magic bullet there is nothing unnatural about that but it simply isn't there no matter what they promise you or how many people on meds praise it because they want everyone to try it like them so they're not alone in the boat. People feel like if they praise a medicine enough and enough people get on it then it must work more, subconsciously they really do that.

[djkvan]

you apparently don't know what these medications and psychotherapy field is all about - I've lived it, it was all I knew for a long time

I know all about it. I thought I mentioned that I was medicated for ADD and severe hyperactivity (ritalin, then dexamphetamine and dextroamphetamine sulfa) from age seven to 22, but looking over my posts it seems that I omitted that information. Yesterday morning I was on the computer creating a response to your reply and after about forty five minutes of composition I lost the entire post. I had to go out and run errands by that time, so when I started to retype my reply in the afternoon I forgot to include some information from my original draft. The drugs helped me to concentrate, but did little to alleviate the underlying anxiety, hence my observation of the misdiagnosis. It was the anxiety that interrupted my concentration, memory and emotions making it seem like ADD and hyperactivity. At the time ADD and hyperactivity diagnoses were all the rage and ritalin was being handed out like Flintstones vitamins, so I got caught up in the crossfire. Wrong drugs, wrong problem. I can't say that I have experienced any side effects over the years or to this day from the drugs I was prescribed, but everyone is different.

some piece of sophisticated alien technology could probably stop both things, but if you don't have it your only hope for happiness is to accept it

SSRI's are some piece of alien technology that can help.

We don't have a real cure for anxiety other than to cope with it until it becomes insignificant

I understand what it means to just experience a negative feeling as long as I can in an effort to build tolerance. Tolerance of a situation where there is an obvious alternative that may result in my needs being met is basically avoidance. In conflict resolution, avoidance is what is known as a lose-win. I lose, the anxiety wins. I know mindfulness and psychology hasn't worked in forty years for me. Am I going to keep riding this pony for the next forty years? Perhaps, if I have no understanding of basic probability I will. But since I am an intelligent human being who realizes that it's insanity to do the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, I think I will exercise my free will. In a situation like this a cost benefit analysis can be beneficial. Seeing all sides of the problem can help me to form a better idea of what the best course of action might be. All things being equal, I am looking at risks on either side of the equation. If the anxiety persists, my quality of life may deteriorate to the point where suicide becomes a possibility. In recent years, the quality of my emotional life has been trending downwards. However, since quitting drinking, I have had glimpses of life improvement, unfortunately none of them are in the area of the specific type of anxiety I face. I know that it can take years for someone's life to change after giving up a substance because the brain slowly recovers. However, as a child, I wasn't taking substances and no improvement occurred. The problem with that observation, if I am being honest, is that specific attachment anxiety was never treated for at that point in my life. Nor has it been treated for at this point. It would be beneficial for me to seek out professional help in the area of attachment disorders before I begin to consider drugs. It may be that I have already come to the conclusions that a professional would arrive at (it wouldn't be the first time), but it wouldn't hurt to find out.

If I take the drug there is a 50% chance (if my interpretation of the current research data is correct) that I will experience the improvements I am hoping for, with the balance of the numbers favoring either no change or a negative result. What this decision comes down to then is risk. On which side am I willing to lay down my money.

The issue is that anxiety forms the initial baseline of all my interactions. Social interactions represent threats to me due to the fact that they are potential emotional/trust/attachment situations. From the second I begin talking to you my brain chemistry has put me in a mode of freeze (i.e. fight/flight/freeze/orient) which guards against attachment. This is an unconscious reaction that it occurs automatically and is beyond my control. It's like I'm in the room with a piece of myself that I can see, but it can't see me because in its mind I don't exist yet. It's like a computer program that is always running in the background. The drug doesn't cure the anxiety. The drug suppresses anxiety which allows the brain to begin to reacquaint with and strengthen the ancient, damaged emotional pathways to the point that when the drug is tapered and removed, the anxiety is no longer needed as an emotional defense mechanism. Yes, anxiety in my case is actually serves as a defense against extreme emotional distress. You see, I understand its purpose. Understanding makes it tolerable, but it doesn't make it better. But I can do something about it. Sure, people experience anxiety in social situations, but when it occurs at such a level that it prevents emotional bonds from forming it is of a pathological nature. To attempt to adapt to such a state when it may be overcome it is to avoid the issue.

The shock to my infant brain was so great that the emotional centers have been placed on lockdown to protect against any further pain of that intensity. I would likely benefit from a little something something to relax the defenses so's I can sneak me some love through the doors and show my brain that it's okay to have that feeling again. The infant me was unequipped to cope with the losses it experienced, and it is the infant me that still suffers that pain. I can't relate to that earlier, simpler brain on a conscious level. I can't even talk to that part of my brain because it's prelinguistic and instinctive. Even a parent can talk to a newborn in spite of the fact that the newborn isn't going to understand. There must be a way to relax the brain's defenses though. I drank and smoked for so many years for the same purpose: to medicate this earlier, infantile brain. It was a temporary solution, but it did ease my anxiety in the short term.

I tend to have difficulty reading my energy needs on Wai as well because my serotonin levels are unstable due to the anxiety. The brain needs glucose, but mine also craves serotonin because of the pain that the anxiety creates, so it becomes easy for me to overeat at times. I was beginning to have what I thought was thyroid issues, but since my blood levels were all normal, the doctors have said that the issue is in my brain. I agree. The issue has always been in my brain, I am only now recognizing what the issue actually is and want to correct it. I want to give Wai more time, but I do have the drugs if there appears to be no progress. I already attend a PTSD group weekly as well as a cognitive behavioural recovery group. I practice mindfulness and REBT and research into self-esteem, risk taking, wellness, anger management, etc...,. Sometimes the knowledge that one has a backup plan (like the drugs) can be sufficient to relax a persons anxiety enough to prime the brain for a change. I hope that this "ace-in-the-hole effect" is the case with me. Again I'm not sure that anything of the conscious realm is capable of touching the regions that house these ancient behavioural programs, but who knows. I appreciate that you have made me stop and think, panacea. I have had the pills in my possession for three days now, haven't taken them, and wasn't intending to without some serious consideration.

I am also exploring the idea of food intolerance as a source of some of the basic anxiety that I experience ina addition to the attachment disorder. I have eliminated OO and avocados from my version of the Wai diet, as I was having reaction to both. Based on the ratio of carbs to fat I believe that avos, a prehistoric fruit whose origins extend som 50 million years back in time, were likely best suited to a heavily muscled, slow moving, vegetarian mammal of some sort. Right now I am beginning to see that eggs might also be causing me a problem. I found your take on humans and their connection to the water to be quite interesting, panacea. My experiences with food on Wai have me thinking that fish and fruit form the basic staples of the my diet and that eggs, although nutritionally rich, are less than suitable for me. I seem to experience tissue swelling (eyes, face, hands) and mental fogginess and joint stiffness following their consumption. I also really crave eggs sometimes. I mean I will crave them like nothing else on this diet. Often one will crave the substance that they are allergic to. The other day I was at the library in the middle of the afternoon and I felt compelled to return home to have some (six) yolks. I know from my experiences as a smoker that this wasn't hunger, it was a craving. Today I have stiffness and aches. Weird. (Aside) I can't imagine our ancestors cracking open an egg and separating the white before eating it. I know, that Wai is an optimized version of the human diet, but there are too many proteins in eggs that have proven to be allergenic to humans. Even though I have always enjoyed the cholesterol bliss-out of yolks, I have always felt weird about eating them in the same way that I have felt weird about OO and avocados. I never feel this way when I am eating salmon.

I see now that I have many avenues to explore before medicine enters the picture. I agree that it should be a last resort.

[djkvan]

Adapting is a constant thing in everyday life, everyone does it, some do it better and faster. I think you're under the impression that it was a hostile threat to your belief system or something, it wasn't.

I didn't feel threatened, just annoyed. I have healthy boundaries and when someone tries to tell me that I have to do something, I will feel free to tell them that it just isn't so.

As far as your age and my level of knowledge goes, communication isn't about that for me. It's about the ideas. There is a fair amount of venting going on in my post of yesterday, 6:54pm, but the ideas are what I intended them to be.

[djkvan]

I have a sense for things like when people mean harm, or when they don't

The average person can "sense" their environment within a three foot circle. Those with PTSD/anxiety, etc., have "feelers" which can extend up to 150'. It's an adaptive defense mechanism and part of the hyper-vigilance that is characteristic of the disorder.

after the number of years I tell myself that exceeds the number of years I told myself that they were a threat to me or could hurt me or had power over me, I'll probably be as easygoing in society as anyone else.

I am easygoing. People tell me that I have an aura of calmness about me and remark that the observations I make and the things I say are "amazing". It still doesn't change the fact that I'm emotionally impotent.

[RRM]

... the fact that I'm emotionally impotent.

how does that work?
(please ignore this post if you dont feel like talking about it)

[djkvan]

Actually, emotionally impaired is perhaps a more accurate description of my situation.

I have an attachment disorder. I was given up for adoption by my mother at 10 days of age. My adoptive parents divorced when I was two and a half and I had very limited contact with my father after that point. From ages 10-16 I was subject to prolonged periods of social bullying which further impacted my socialization. The early emotional shocks damaged my ability to trust, form emotional attachments and explore my environment. To adapt my brain put up a barrier to further emotional damage. The barrier is such that my initial reaction to any social situation is anxiety. These days the anxiety is a very subtle reaction, but I can observe a shift in state nonetheless. Anxiety is the sensation that results when the desire to connect collides with the unconscious desire to prevent further emotional pain. As a child and adolescent this anxiety would present in social interactions in the form of inattentiveness and hyperactivity. The inattentiveness and hyperactivity can be explained by fact that anxiety impairs the function of the amygdala. The amygdala processes emotions and memory. When one is in a state of anxiety the amygdala's function becomes impaired/frozen (i.e. fight/flight/freeze/orient). The result is vague event memory and impaired ability to attach emotionally. Hyperactivity as a manifestation of attachment anxiety and is evidenced by figeting, irritability, aggression, etc.,. I have a very limited recall of much of my life and have never really been able to relax in social situations. I cannot remember ever having felt love for anyone. I don't have feelings, per say. I experience need states where others experience connection and mutuality. As a I child I was disruptive, combative and competitive. Being raised by an adoptive mother who also suffers from insecurity and control issues, as well as the fact that I was medicated for an unrelated condition (ADHD) at an early age, exacerbated the situation and prevented any real healing from occurring. From my father I learned that external rewards were of value and gained power and control over my emotional environment through material possession and, to a lesser extent, emotional manipulation. He unfortunately undermined my mother's attempts at healthy socialization by buying my affection. His alcoholism and mental illness was also my model of what it was to be an adult male. In later years I achieved power and control over myself through substance abuse (cigarettes/alcohol). Since quitting smoking and drinking my needs for personal power and control have been fulfilled through isolating behaviours, intellectual pursuits, and obsessing over dietary/scientific phenomena and my own body. This shifting in addictive behaviours is what is known as being a "dry drunk". In a dry drunk situation, the substance has been removed but the core behaviours remain the same.

As an adult I have learned to mask my anxiety to the point that it is no longer overwhelming, which isn't to say that it's resolved or even improved, just less apparent. I have only in the last week or so embraced the truth of my attachment issues and resulting anxiety. Before that point, I avoided having to do so by creating upheaval/crisis in my life which prevented me from seeing the real issue. It's entirely possible that this self-sabotage was another defense mechanism that my brain was throwing in my way to prevent me from having to deal with the core emotional issues. I would always return to the original crisis point once all the peripheral crises in my life had been resolved. Then it would be time to move, quit my job, etc...,. Up until I was 25 or so I hadn't a clue that there was a problem (pre-contemplative). I was partying and running around like a happy fool. Then at 25 I reached a period of ethical crisis (induced by LSD incidentally so perhaps we can discuss the therapeutic value of psychoactive drugs after I resolve my issues). From that point up until about a year ago I knew that something was wrong (contemplative), but mistakenly thought it was to do with my past shameful values and behaviours (crisis=unworthy of love) or my drinking (avoidance behaviour). Now I have come to understand how it was my impaired ability to attach which created anxiety in my life and led to the shameful behaviours (lying, stealing, manipulating) of my youth. The impaired ability to feel emotionally rewarded and connected through basic human interactions resulted in the anxiety which has driven my need for all the external substances/stimuli in life (so-called) which have filled the void left by the severed maternal bond.

Now that I am aware of what is wrong I will do everything I can to correct the situation. I am ready and willing to change. I just hope that I am able.

[panacea]

Hey I found this while searching for other kinds of documentaries, and thought you might be interested.

http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/marketin ... ll-insane/